


if i could tell you how it feels (would you know what the words mean?)

by jilixcore



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Bang Chan is Whipped, Felix experiences many kinds of dilemma basically, Fluff and Crack, Friends to Lovers, Han Jisung is a Little Shit, Lee Felix is Whipped (Stray Kids), Lee Felix is a Panicked Gay (Stray Kids), M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, YEAAAA FAVE TAG, ah yes my favourite tag, also theyre literally awkward dumbasses gays, and chan is just :D?, if you know you know, no thoughts head empty but HEART FULL BITCH, pushing the ‘Chan Bi with a heavy felix lean’ agenda, there’s an IT reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:54:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27323851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jilixcore/pseuds/jilixcore
Summary: You see, there’s a lot of things that Felix doesn’t get.Like how his leader becomes more.. keen on skinship. Or how he managed to end up seated between Chan’s thighs and how he’s literally putting half of his weight on Chan from how his upper body is lazily draped on top of him.Or why the fuck is his heart thumping so goddamn hard in his chestAlt: the many events in which Chan made Felix’s heart batshit crazy.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 18
Kudos: 348





	if i could tell you how it feels (would you know what the words mean?)

**Author's Note:**

> this isnt beta'd and this is a work of my 3 am and sleep deprived single brain cell. there's a lot of grammatical errors prob and changes of tenses. i really just want to write a fic about how fucking obvious chanlix is being rn. once the dating ban is done and they come out as a couple everyone act surprise okay?
> 
> theres also an excessive amount of parentheses again cause.

When the first time it happened, he didn’t pay it any attention. He brushed the sudden rapid thumping of his heart off and decided it’s just the admiration he felt for his hyung. He convinced himself that it’s really just the same way how he glows under the compliment that Hyunjin sometimes gives him about his dancing (which is saying something because Hyunjin rarely gives compliments). Or whenever Jisung unexpectedly buys him his favourite strawberry milk from when he gets back to his and Minho’s Midnight Convenience Store Raid. It’s just strictly platonic. Maybe even the same admiration he would’ve felt if he had an older brother.

(Spoiler alert: it’s neither platonic nor brotherly. Felix thinks it’s safe to assume that there is no platonic explanation about wanting to kiss the other one just because Chan tripped over air because he’s too sleep deprived and he even looked so dumbfounded after it.)

They were in the van after a long day of shooting for random variety shows and hours of being out to eat dinner. The sky of Seoul was deep into the darkness already, but the lights on the various buildings all around the city contradicted it. There were only Chan, Jeongin, and him in the vehicle (except for their manager) and Jeongin was already passed out in the middle section as soon as his head and back hit the backseat and Felix was also so close to dozing off himself.

There was some soft western music playing in the background, a seemingly acoustic guitar solo filling the air and basking everything with a calm atmosphere, making the silver haired boy yawn. With teary eyes, he leaned against the window and hummed the familiar melody of Everglow along with the soft instrumentals, looking out at the city and the many people who never seemed to disappear.

‘ _Seoul is just like New York_ ,’ he thought. It’s midnight yet the streets are still packed with people coming out or just coming inside the buildings. Seoul seems like it never sleeps.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Felix slightly jumped, breaking from his trance and from his thoughts when Chan’s voice pierced through the calm atmosphere, yet he sounded so soft.

It’s funny, Felix thinks. Chan’s voice demands attention from everyone. You’d whip your head to his direction whenever he’s speaking or everything you’re doing would be blocked out just by their leader’s voice. Chan’s voice demands you to instantly focus on it, and just like the sky and Seoul, it’s so contradicting. Because Chan’s voice is always soft and smooth and Felix found his eyelids got heavier.

Felix turned to look at him to see Chan looking out the window at Felix’ side, lights dancing around his eyes as they passed by the colourful buildings. Chan smiled, “It’s like Seoul never sleeps.”

Felix smiled back and answered with a small and quiet “Yeah” and closed his eyes as the slow rock of the car continued to lull him into sleep. He felt Chan move closer and then there was an arm around his shoulder, pushing his head sideways until he felt the familiar shoulder of the older. He expected the hand to pull back, but he sighed contentedly instead when he felt Chan’s calloused hand caressed his ear to help him fall asleep quicker.

Felix was taken back by surprise when the other rested his head against his, about to ask and tease the older about what’s gotten into him but he found himself too tired to comment anything, so he opted for nuzzling more into the other’s neck and let the sleep take over.

(He woke up in the middle of the night to a dark room and a warm body next to him. Blinking his eyes slowly and forcing it to focus, he saw their leader laying on his side facing his direction, his sleeping face that he rarely sees is so close and for once he looks like he’s not worrying about anything.

Felix was thirsty. He could feel that his throat was too dry, and his voice would probably sound extra gruffy in the morning. But he’s cornered into the wall and he had to climb over Chan to get up and he doesn’t want to risk waking him up. Not when Chan finally seemed to have been asleep for a few hours now instead of the usual short power naps he often takes.

For the second time that night, Felix chose to duck under Chan’s chin and rested his head there, curling himself up to the older and keeping his hands together.

He felt the older move closer and he smiled, letting his drowsiness take over once more.)

-

So apparently sleeping together now is a thing. It doesn’t happen everyday, no, but it just occurs so often that it’s hard for it to get unnoticed. And surely, the others noticed too, but not everyone seemed shocked or bothered with the new routine of the two aussies.

(“Chan hyung?” Jisung’s voice rang out and Felix looked at him from his place on his bed, momentarily stopping whatever he was doing on his phone.

“He’s not here?” Felix meant for it to be a statement, but ended up being a question, because why the hell is he looking for Chan in his and Changbin’s room?

Jisung finally looked up from his phone with brows furrowed. “Oh? Where is he then?”

Just as confused, Felix replied, “I don’t know? The studio?”

“Oh. I just thought that he’d be here since he was not at their room. And oh- I just got a text from him. He really is at the studio. Huh. Anyway, thanks, Bokie~” Before Felix could even respond, Jisung’s already shouting to the others that he’d be going to the company and the sound of Changbin whining and refusing to go with him.

It’s not too weird, considering they’re all talking about how Chan is supposed to move in at their room but it’s not for another three more weeks. And really, Felix wouldn’t have paid it any mind if it didn't happen multiple times again from the other members.)

It was almost five in the morning and Felix thanked whoever’s up there that it was their day off for the next three days so he could actually stay up and not feel drained and guilty when he woke up.

It was quiet in the dorms, or at least it was quiet in his and Changbin’s shared room. If he focused hard enough, he would be able to hear the quiet muffled laughter of Jisung and Jeongin in the other room, and the occasional hushed whispers from Hyunjin who seemed to have stayed in the other two’s room. Changbin slept only half an hour ago and the slightest sounds can jolt him awake, so he hoped the trio would stay as quiet as they were being.

He was on his fifth WatchMojo video when he heard the entrance door of their dorm opened, quickly followed by the bathroom door. Glancing at the top of his phone, the clock read 5:15 AM and that’s when he realized that their leader probably just arrived home from the studio and Felix furrowed his eyebrows. Chan has been working nonstop (as usual) and Felix huffed, deciding that he won’t let Chan anywhere near the studio during their precious break.

Another video later and he heard the door from the bathroom opened again (Felix thinks that it really is true that everything seems to be much louder at night). Felix had been laying down on Chan's bed and not wanting to risk waking Changbin up, he pulled out his messaging app to quickly text Chan to tell him to immediately go to sleep when their door opened. He raised his head to watch as Chan climbed the three small steps to his bed and Felix scooted over to his side to invite him.

“I’m so tired,” Chan whined as he fell face first into his pillow and Felix giggled quietly beside him.

“Yeah, no shit. I gave up my bed tonight so you'd have no trouble passing out the moment you entered the room.” Felix said in English making Chan give him a playful glare. Felix only grinned as he closed his phone and hugged Chan’s middle instead. “It’s literally our first day off and you already came home at like, 5 AM. Everyone’s gonna leave in 2 hours. I’d be lonely so that means you can’t go anywhere else.”

“Aw, did my little one missed me?” Chan teased.

Felix decided to ignore that one little word and the way his heartstrings tugged and instead pouted. “Come on! It’d be too quiet in the dorms and you literally already made enough tracks to last us until the comebacks for what, the next three years?”

“You know that doesn’t automatically means everything we’ve prepared so far are going to get approved-”

“I know, but I just want you to relax for a bit. One of these days, you’re gonna pass out from exhaustion. Look, I even promise to cook breakfast for us tomorrow.”

Chan gave him a long stare and he squirmed under the attention, but Felix just grinned up at his leader. “Please?”

“What do I get out of it?”

Felix clicked his tongue and put a finger to his lips, pretending to think. “Well, for one, you’ll finally have the time to actually relax, because that’s what people do during their breaks.” He mumbled a small ‘duh’, “ I can see your hair turning white already, old man-”

“I’m only three years older than you?”

“-AND you’d get to hang out with me.”

Chan laughed loudly, so full and so warm and Felix’s chest feels just the same. “Fine, fine. I’d stay, but only because you promised to cook.”

“Oh yeah, sure.” the younger can’t hold back his own laughter as he feels himself moving along with Chan’s chest, their suppressed laughter filling the air.

Their giggles came to an abrupt stop as a loud thump hit the bottom of the bed. “Can you two _please_ shut the fuck up?”

-

You see, there’s a lot of things that Felix doesn’t get.

Like how his leader becomes more.. keen on skinship. Or how he managed to end up seated between Chan’s thighs and how he’s literally putting half of his weight on Chan from how his upper body is lazily draped on top of him.

Or why the fuck is his heart thumping so goddamn hard in his chest.

It was when they were having a movie night when he confronted the leader about it. The room was dark and the only thing that provided them light was from the glow of the TV screen in front of them. Even so, the light it provided only reached up until their feet and it was still dimmed. The other members are passed out on the couch and next to them, but Felix was too aware of his heart beating loudly that it was the only thing ringing on his ears (and the hushed conversations of the third Harry Potter movie playing in front of them), and he was even convinced that the other members would hear it too.

Then again, Felix was known as the cuddlebug. It was hard to catch Felix without the boy sitting on a member’s lap or having them in his arms or vice versa. But there are extra beats to his heart when Chan guides him by the waist than when Changbin holds his hand while crossing the street. There’s warmth on his face and on his ears and even inside his chest whenever he happens to wake up before their leader and see his face so up close that wasn’t present whenever Jisung asks him to cuddle so that his twin could sleep.

“Hyung,” Felix started and picked up Chan’s fingers, absentmindedly playing with it. “You’ve been cuddly lately. I hope you’re not planning to take my title away.”

Chan laughed quietly and, God, why do they always have to be in a quiet environment? And when the fuck did Felix started wishing to hear more of Chan’s laughter?

“What title? Being the group’s little spoon?” Chan chuckled again and Felix giggled, playfully smacking away the hand he was holding.

Chan took his hand instead and ran his thumbs across his knuckles before answering. “No.. It’s just that- remember the segment we filmed some months ago? One kids room?”

Felix nodded and raised his eyebrow. “That was like a year ago?”

Chan smiled sheepishly. “Well, everyone was talking about how you’re always asking them to cuddle you or how you’re always hugging them. And- I don’t know. I just never have that experience with you, so I thought maybe it was because you all knew how I’m not really that.. fond of skinship and, yeah. I don’t want you to feel like hugging me is gonna be a bother to me because it isn’t and I’d actually appreciate it if you ask me for hugs. Hell, you don’t even have to ask me. I know how much you love hugs and I know you love being close to the other members.”

Felix didn’t know what to respond so he just opted for a joke. “Why, is that a wedding vow I hear? And on our first date?”

He can feel Chan burying his face into his hair followed by a giggle and It’s so fucking dumb. Felix knows this feeling all too well and it’s not even like Chan recited some sonnet about his undying love. He always had a problem with crushing on someone so easily and it seems like that part of him still didn’t go away even as an idol, because Felix felt like he just finished three dance routines. He felt breathless. His head was spinning and his heart can’t fucking calm down. He didn’t respond for a long time, only bumping his fingers with Chan’s from time to time.

After minutes of silence Chan spoke up, “Do you want to go outside?”

“For what?”

Chan shrugged. “I don’t know, to count the stars?”

“Hyung, it’s pointless to count the stars.”

“It’s also pointless to count freckles, but I know you have 14 on your cheekbones.”

-

So he likes Chan and he really doesn’t know what to do with this information.

Especially since the older seemed even more touchy these days. Or maybe because his brain accepted the fact that he does like the leader so anything that was done by Chan goes over analyzed.

One of the memorable times when his heart went bat shit crazy was during a VLIVE. Felix wants to give himself props for not shitting his pants after it happened. It's a series of events, really, and Felix is sure he really would have either passed out from it or strangled Chan.

It was his third time being a guest on Chan’s Room. Though, unlike the previous one, there’s no dramatic entrances and no staying on the floor for 10 minutes and certainly no eggs this time. Honestly, Felix just got out of practice when he decided to visit Chan in his studio.

(Another routine they’ve unconsciously established is going home together as much as they could, save for the times that one of them would be staying out late or if another member already made plans with them. Other than that, Felix goes straight to Chan’s studio after his dance practice or lessons. When miracles happened and Chan managed to get out of his studio early without Felix, his feet would immediately take him to their dance practice room, certain that Felix was staying out late to practice and Chan would head to the couch to nap. And if Felix doesn’t wake him up when he’s done just to appreciate how peaceful their leader looks and to calm his heart, then nobody needs to know that.)

Felix just finished choreographing his verse for their comeback when he called it a day, stretching and taking a small break before heading towards Chan’s studio.

“Chris, I finally finished the chore-” he stood on the doorway seeing Chan looking at him with his arms extended halfway to fix his phone. Then it dawned on him. “Oh shit, it’s your weekly live today, isn’t it? I’m sorry, I can just go back to the dance room and you can just text me when you’re done?”

Chan smiled at him and chuckled, Felix's knees went weak. He blamed it on dance practice.

“Language.” Chan grinned.

“Sorry, Captain America.”

Chan laughed again and Felix bit his lower lip to contain himself from smiling. “Hush. Come join me instead, shortcake.”

And Felix doesn’t need to be told twice.

-

Maybe half an hour has passed since they started the live and Felix was too distracted by their topics that seem to never get finished before Chan is already jumping to another one. He was the one who brought it up though and whenever food is the highlight, whether they’re eating or it’s just a conversation about it, Chan always seems to get hyper.

It was a mess. Felix was too lost in his own thoughts and he was now just staring at the ceiling while rambling about the food he used to eat back in Australia and how they're made and what occasions are they mostly served at while Chan was leaning back dramatically on his own chair groaning and whining about how he misses it.

Felix was listing ingredients of some food- what’s the food in question, though, he can't remember- and he was so lost in what he's talking about that he quite blocked out what Chan was saying. And then Felix was talking about pepper- pepper, for fuck’s sake- when Chan decided today is the day Felix should probably pass out. Felix was honestly just ranting at this point but his mind went literally blank like someone just pulled off an outlet of him when Chan outright put his face against his cheek saying how he's hungry and really what the fuck. All he can feel is Chan's nose against his cheek and it's so sudden that he didn't even notice it at first, but he can certainly still feel the huff of air against his cheek and suddenly everything smells like Chan- a tinge of cologne mixed with a little bit of sweat and just Chan. and Felix is getting really dizzy.

Sure, they cuddle all of the time and they mostly sleep in Chan's top bunk, but Felix never felt Chan so close to his face like that before and again, he can feel his heart doing a rabbit kick inside his chest and he mentally compared his heart to this one video he saw he saw of a guy's heart literally palpitating out of his chest.

Everything that happened in the last five seconds came to him quite late, and thank God that he managed to keep on rambling about whatever he was talking about because Felix would've probably screamed and cursed right then and there.

Thankfully, Minho and Hyunjin stopped by to crash and to just do whatever they want just because. Which, bless them, gave Felix a chance to finally breathe and spaced out without looking like a creep like it would’ve been if it's just the two of him and Chan. But, of course, they both leave after ten minutes (after making a mess first) and Felix sighed because Chan is hyper again.

(Felix is not gonna lie, it did make him smile; seeing how much their leader really loves the members and their company that just a simple ten minute visit is enough to make him so giddy.)

Hyper Chan may lead to a disaster, because Felix tends to adapt whatever the other members are feeling, so, it's no surprise when the both of them started giggling over the thought of dropping a big spoiler and then Chan decided to hold him by the wrist and just continue on laughing and leaning against him and Felix's brain short circuited again.

They've pretty much calmed down after some time, but Chan is still rambling about how he doesn't really care if he dropped a big spoiler. And he's now gesturing wildly with his hands.

"To be- to be honest,” and he’s stumbling over his words and Felix shouldn’t find that adorable. “I actually don't kinda care. If it's for Stays, I don't care! I've got nothing to lose."

_Yes, you have. Your fucking job?_

Felix by then just kept going with whatever Chan was saying and trying to rebuttal but Chan just opened his mouth (more anxiety on Felix's part), closed it (bless relief for Felix), and then opened it again (renewed anxiety) and it went on for another five minutes of laughing and incoherent rambling that the only two of them can understand.

The younger managed to distract Chan (and save everybody’s jobs) by dropping a subtle hint and a subtle spoiler instead and he internally sighed. He really doesn't need to be called on right now by the higher ups because of their little stunt and get told off. All he wanted to do is to just go back home and rethink everything and just pass out like what his mind and body (and Chan) had been originally planning to do.

(It didn't help when Chan decided to go soft on him and called him his _**home**. Home_ of all things and he doesn't know if it's because of everything that just happened or if just he's physically and emotionally exhausted (in a good way), but he can feel himself tearing up. Felix didn't say anything, though. He just grinned really wide that he hoped that whatever he was feeling reached Chan. And he knows it did, if the smile in Chan's face and his slightly wet eyes are anything to go by.)

-

(Days later, when he was lying on Jisung’s bed while the other ranted about Minho, he came across a short clip of Chan from the live while he was browsing twitter. Sure, he saves clips of the individual members he finds entertaining and shares them to the group chat, though the ratio to the ones he saved personally of Chan and the others are a good 9:5. It’s no problem.

He played it and it’s a twenty second clip and he wouldn’t pay it any mind if he wasn’t too caught off guard about the caption.

_‘here’s chan staring at felix through the screen while the line “in other words, darling kiss me” was playing and felix staring at him through the screen while he mouthed ‘in other words, i love you’ and honestly, me when im gay and in love !’_

Jisung spoke from beside him. “Well, glad to see that Stays are finally catching up on your crush.”

Felix blushed. “Shut up. Hyung could’ve been reading the comments.”

“Sure he was.”

Felix threw a pillow at him. “Want me to snitch on the other three about Minho hyung?”

“No no no, I’m sorry. I’m just joking, there’s no way you like him. You just turn into a puddle when he even as much as looks at you because you adore him platonically.” Jisung deadpanned and continued on a horrible imitation of an American accent. “No homo.”

Felix just stuck his tongue out and the other did it back before going back to a rambling about the new Malatang place he’s been wanting to check out.

Felix turned back to his phone and rewatched the video’s preview on his timeline.

He saved the video to his bookmarks.)

-

“Hyuuuung,” Felix whined from his place on the studio’s couch, his head hanging upside down by the couch’s arm rest while his feet moved back and forth on the other arm rest.

Chan turns his head towards his way with his eyes still glued on the monitor in front of him. “Yeah?”

Felix huffed. This won’t do. It’s the second day out of their fifth day off for the Chuseok Holiday and they’ve done nothing. Felix just wanted to spend some time with the older because he had promised Changbin and Minho that he would come with them on the third day to hang out at Changbin’s place and he had to leave tomorrow.

“Huh, you can’t even look at me? I can see where I stand in your eyes now.” Felix said and dramatically clutched his chest.

Chan closed his laptop shut and finally faced him, dimples prominent and with a smile on his face. "Alright, I'm done. What is it that you want, you big baby?"

Felix smiled, content with the attention he successfully got. "Let's go out. No offense, but I'm really sick of this studio right now."

"Alright, then." Chan stood up from his chair and stretched, arms raised above his head and his stomach slightly exposed due to his shirt that was ridden up. Felix tried not to stare (he failed). "Where to, shortcake?"

"Oh, can we go get some ice cream to the place we've been to last year? The one with the dogs?" Felix asked as Chan pulled him up to his feet.

"Sure and, oh, get that sweatshirt behind you. It's quite chilly tonight."

-

They ended up in the same cafe and Felix is still pouting behind his cone. He was tired from playing with the dogs and he made Chan take pictures of him, but said man is currently hunched over his phone doing God knows what and honestly, Felix just wants to spend quality time together, but he doesn't want to seem clingy.

After maybe a good five minutes of sulking and watching videos, Chan finally looked up from his phone to see the small pout on Felix’s lips and smiled. "Sorry, shortcake. I'll just answer one more message then I'm all yours."

Felix suddenly hoped that Chan would take long because honest to fuck, he's so close to combusting and he can already see the headline from it. _**Lee Felix, 21, Currently Unconscious Because Their Leader Can't Seem To Take a Hint That He's Having a Hard Time Because of Him.**_

Felix's heart is really so close to jumping out of his chest to present itself at Chan right then while Chan is just sitting across from him with his stupid smile and Felix really wants to kiss the fuck out of him.

-

Felix is literally so tired. From both the things that's been happening and the fact that he only slept for maybe two hours. He's been tossing and turning the night before, the events at the cafe playing in his head and just when he got some sleep, Changbin and Minho were screaming at him on the other end of the line on his phone to get up or else he'll miss his train.

"I'm so sleepy, Hyung." Felix said with a yawn, head slumped over Chan’s shoulder as they sat waiting for Felix’s trains, Chan's own yawn following soon after. "You really didn't need to wait with me."

"It's fine, why would I even let you go here alone? You said Changbin and Minho are coming to pick you up at the train station when you get off, right?"

Felix nodded. He glanced up to see that the train was coming to a stop and he slowly pushed his head up from its place on Chan's shoulder.

He lazily took his bag from Chan's hand and blinked drowsily. Chan lightly tipped his head up and pecked his lips softly. "Take a nap when you're on the train, but be sure to be awake before your stop. Text me when you're there."

Felix nodded again and rubbed his eyes and-

And wait.

What the fuck just-

"Did you just kiss me?" Felix stared at him in bewilderment.

Felix really, really, _**really**_ wants to slap both himself to check if everything is actually real and Chan for looking like some lost puppy who's just staring at him with his head tilted and confusion written on his face. As if what he had just done is completely normal.

"Should I have not?" Chan asked. "We're together, what's weird about it?"

"We are?"

"We aren't?"

Felix sighed exasperatedly. Then it seemed to finally have dawned on Chan and panic was suddenly written all over his face. "Wait, did I read this whole entire situation wrong?"

Felix felt panic rose up on his own chest. "Wait, no. no- I mean, yeah. Uh kind of. Wait, huh?"

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry, Felix. With the way you're acting and how we're both acting I just assumed and I'm sorry. I thought you liked me so I thought-"

"I do like you-" Felix intervened only to be cut off too.

"You do?"

"Yeah. have been for the past year, thanks." Felix looked at him incredulously. "What do you mean, 'you do'? Why are you so shocked? You literally assumed we're together."

"I don't know! I just thought you reacted negatively because I was wrong and- I'm sorry, I don't really have much experience in this. I just thought that, you know, because it was you, then everything would go smoothly. Like how smooth everything has been if I’m with you."

Felix wants to cry. Maybe later on the train. "So, it's official now?"

"What?"

"That we're together?"

And oh. Oh. Chan just blushed. Felix really thinks he can pass away peacefully now. "If you want to. Oh, I should've asked, shouldn't I? I'm sorry."

"It's.. fine. Would've probably spared me some near heart problems if you made it clear sooner, but I forgive you if you kiss me again."

Chan didn't hesitate and Felix smiled as he felt the older's lips against his, properly this time. It's softer than he'd thought and slightly chapped, but Felix doesn't mind. Nothing about what just happened is up to his expectation in the first place, anyway. Felix put his hands against Chan's cheek, the warmth from Chan spreading like a wildfire against Felix’s cold fingers.

They broke apart sooner than both of them would've wanted, but Felix's train just rang the last-minute bell and Felix huffed a breath.

"So, we're together now? For real, this time? We're on the same page?" Chan asked and Felix wanted to kiss him again.

"Yeah. We are." Felix smiled, so happy and content and Chan's face mirrors his and Felix almost forgets about his train again.

"Well, shit. I have to go now. Bye, bubby." Felix quickly pecked Chan's lips and scrambled for his bags and to the doors of the train, making it inside just as the door closed.

He waved and smiled, seeing the blush on Chan seem to only have grown darker. Felix's heart rate kicks up again and he’s becoming dizzy from the burst of serotonin and dopamine.

Apparently, there's nothing that makes his heart flutter as hard as when he realized that he's the cause of why Chan acted the way he did over the past year.

-

(Chan realized he really wants to kiss Felix.

“I know, but I just want you to relax for a bit. One of these days, you’re gonna pass out from exhaustion. Look, I even promise to cook breakfast for us tomorrow.” Felix smiled up at him, eyes wet from yawning but still never failed to hold the universe in it. He’s too close and Chan could count his freckles if he wanted to.

It didn’t take long for Chan to be convinced to stay back. Not when Felix was pouting at him while also drowning in Chan’s hoodie. He lost the fight even before it happened. There’s no way in hell he’d turn down the offer to hang out with the freckled boy.

They continued to banter back and forth and it was nearing six in the morning when the dorm was starting to get louder with the members waking up and preparing to leave, but Felix looked like he could fall asleep any moment despite all the noise and commotion.

Not even a minute later, Chan’s own eyelids were starting to drop when he heard the boy in his arms whisper.

“I did miss you, Hyung.” he said it so quietly and Jesus Christ, when did that honorific become so endearing? He said it so softly and so small and Chan didn't know what to do so he only responded by kissing the top of the other’s head.

He’s already in too deep. He wouldn’t be able to come back up even if he tried.

And Chan knows that he doesn’t want to.)

**Author's Note:**

> im projecting how i go through my dilemma through felix and projecting how i make my decisions through chan yes. theyre both dumbasses in love let them be gay !


End file.
